This is how the next conversation will go when the Jehovahs Witnesses come to my door:
JW: Greetings neighbor, are you ready to meet Christ in Heaven?
Me: Well according to Harold Camping, Ill get my chance Saturday. He’s pretty convincing, with people leaving their families and all.
JW: He is what we call a false prophet.
Me: So let me get this straight, your version of an invisible Jewish Zombie that feeds his flesh and blood to his followers is the right one as opposed to the 21 other major religions in existence? Pretty confident aren’t you?
JW: We believe in God’s will. He works in mysterious ways.
JW: And if you aren’t saved, you will be cast into the pits of hell for all eternity.
Me: Where is hell, geographically? North of the Equator? Karl Rove’s house?
JW: Hell is not of this earth.
Me: Can you fuckers ever answer a logical question with a straightforward answer? So you are telling me now that I am going to be cast into another dimension if I don’t go along with your cult and pay you guys 10% of my earnings for life so that your alleged leaders can use it for hookers and blow?
JW: Hell is not of this Earth. It is where sinners are punished for eternity.
Me: So now God is casting souls into another dimension? What, is he using the time space continuum? Does the Federation know about this, cause the Romulans are going to be pretty pissed.
JW: God is not to be mocked, you were created in his image.
Me: Now you went too far. So you are saying that God likes pornos and drinking hard liquor as much as I do? That’s a stretch. I find that about as hard to believe as Kirstie Alley sashaying her fat ass this far in Dancing With the Stars.
JW: Don’t you want to be saved and reunited with your loved ones in heaven?
Me: I got news for you, most of my family that have passed on have been deviants and drug addicts with no morals or goals in life. Considering that many of them have been dead for 20+ years, they probably look like Rocky Dennis at this point so no.
My version of heaven involves Jordan Carver in a French maid outfit serving me grapes while Taylor Stevens rubs my feet and gives me lap dances. The muslims have a pretty sweet deal with the 99 virgins, but personally, I like a girl that has actually put some miles on the chassis, to be honest.
Me: You had your spiel, here’s mine, the basic ideals of religion have been around for centuries in order to promote order, reduce crime, and to govern an ignorant populace with fear of the unknown. Every religion has committed atrocities in the name of their God at some point in their history, from ceremonial sacrifice, to pedophilia, to rampant graft and corruption. Religious leaders used to burn scientists and philosophers alive because their teachings refuted beliefs.
At the highest levels of any organized religion is widespread corruption and abuse of power, I can cite Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart, Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson, Several Popes, and many, many deviant priests to start with.
Me: My final contention is this: Faith is a beautiful thing, it keeps us alive, civil, and gives us hope in uncertain times. But after listening to idiots like Kirk Cameron and Harold Camping, I realize one thing:
If God really wanted us to believe, he would have mentioned dinosaurs in the Bible. Good day to you (Slamming door shut)
