The Doucheacalypse

Let it be said, that I am a fair minded chap, with nothing but hope and well wishes for humanity. But in the stars, I see the impending signs of doom. I surmise a theory…………..

The Douches know something. Much like their dinosaur brethren whom were simple brained and ample muscled, the Douches are aware of an impending cosmic shift. A cataclysmic event that will curry the intellectual scale in their favor.

The signs are plentiful:

1. Kansas City closes half their schools.
2. MMA Training Facilities everywhere.
3. Colleges raising tuition every year to discourage attendance.
4. The cojoining of Tito Ortiz, popular MMA fighter, and Jenna Jameson, porn star. Their birth of twins ensues maximum genetic damage and a predilection for jobs pumping gas.


When shit goes down, it is going to be Mad Max times 100. Why do you think these juiceheads are working out like crazy and learning Brazilian Judo? These fucking idiots are going to have to fight for survival. Once the event goes down (asteroid, contagious ebola, tony danza reruns) and most of mankind is gone, we will be witness to horrible events:

1. Scientists and Engineers will have to build giant robots in order to safely walk the streets and to disperse feral packs of Von Dutch wearing mouth breathers. “I’m telling you boys for the last time, I don’t have any Red Bull Extreme. Get the fuck away from me before I release cluster bombs.”

2. Chaos will ensue as thousands of Jersey Shore watching, juicers wait outside of Cheetahs for the last couple of blonde/brunette streaked strippers to emerge. Many will die as they rip each other apart in a futile attempt to attract a mate for their retarded offspring.

3. Much like that statue of Saddam in the middle of Baghdad, a huge statue of Christian Audiger will appear in the middle of Downtown San Diego. The Douches will pay homage to it by fist pumping five times a day, like some kind of Douchebag pilgrimage.

4. Grocery stores will cater to the needs of the new proletariat by only selling raw beefsteaks, Monster 60 ounce jugs, and Slim Jims. Vegetables will be a distant memory.

5. Freeways will be full of mohawked helmet wearing retards going 175 on their street bikes, and fast and furious Civics that can now reach speeds of 160.



And in the midst of mans final collapse and ultimate end after a millennia of technological advancement,

The Situation is voted President of the United States. I think you can guess who some of his staff picks are going to be.