The Kardashian Kuntastrophy

You ever just read about something and just get PISSED? I fucking hate these whores. I hate their stupid show, I hate their idiot followers on Twitter, I hate OK magazine for paying them thousands of dollars for NOTHING, and I hate the fact that this is the best America has to offer.

The English royal wedding was a classy affair that was viewed by the world. It was swank, elegant, and regal. The fact that the bride's sister didnt wear panties under her dress was even better. I think her ass got more attention than the bride. Thats how it should be but I digress....

This fucking shit show is America's version of a royal wedding and I can easily see why every other country on earth hates us. Our idea of an important wedding is three semi-literate fat armenian whores who have a television show about shopping, fighting, and eating. Two of them have never seen a white dick in their lives. Now let me make this perfectly clear. I have no problem that they only jump on black dicks, but it bothers me that there always has to be a record contract or a fucking basketball involved. No scientists, accountants, or engineers.

Just athletes and rappers. Ugh.

Their mom at least has the balls to be out in front, proudly representing the transsexual community and we should be proud of her. It cant be easy to raise three completely materialistic and worthless whores, one of whom is a fucking behemoth of neanderthal proportions. Jesus, look at the picture. Khloe towers over her idiot sisters and is probably itching to jump on that fucking wedding cake and stuff her cheeks like a rabid chipmunk.

As for the groom in this shitty wedding, who I had to google, he hasnt had any major scandals, but he still doesnt escape Voltaire's wrath. Basketball scholarship to Duke University right after high school? Fuck you pal.....At that age, I was working in a shitty drugstore and wondering if i was going to have to pay for sex for the rest of my life. Not all of us can be record breaking swimmers and athletes.

I hope Khloe chews on an electrical cord after mistaking it for licorice and sets the goddamn house on fire. FUCK THE KARDASHIANS.

I heart religion

This is how the next conversation will go when the Jehovahs Witnesses come to my door:

JW: Greetings neighbor, are you ready to meet Christ in Heaven?
Me: Well according to Harold Camping, Ill get my chance Saturday. He’s pretty convincing, with people leaving their families and all.
JW: He is what we call a false prophet.
Me: So let me get this straight, your version of an invisible Jewish Zombie that feeds his flesh and blood to his followers is the right one as opposed to the 21 other major religions in existence? Pretty confident aren’t you?
JW: We believe in God’s will. He works in mysterious ways.

JW: And if you aren’t saved, you will be cast into the pits of hell for all eternity.
Me: Where is hell, geographically? North of the Equator? Karl Rove’s house?
JW: Hell is not of this earth.
Me: Can you fuckers ever answer a logical question with a straightforward answer? So you are telling me now that I am going to be cast into another dimension if I don’t go along with your cult and pay you guys 10% of my earnings for life so that your alleged leaders can use it for hookers and blow?

JW: Hell is not of this Earth. It is where sinners are punished for eternity.
Me: So now God is casting souls into another dimension? What, is he using the time space continuum? Does the Federation know about this, cause the Romulans are going to be pretty pissed.

JW: God is not to be mocked, you were created in his image.
Me: Now you went too far. So you are saying that God likes pornos and drinking hard liquor as much as I do? That’s a stretch. I find that about as hard to believe as Kirstie Alley sashaying her fat ass this far in Dancing With the Stars.

JW: Don’t you want to be saved and reunited with your loved ones in heaven?
Me: I got news for you, most of my family that have passed on have been deviants and drug addicts with no morals or goals in life. Considering that many of them have been dead for 20+ years, they probably look like Rocky Dennis at this point so no.
My version of heaven involves Jordan Carver in a French maid outfit serving me grapes while Taylor Stevens rubs my feet and gives me lap dances. The muslims have a pretty sweet deal with the 99 virgins, but personally, I like a girl that has actually put some miles on the chassis, to be honest.

Me: You had your spiel, here’s mine, the basic ideals of religion have been around for centuries in order to promote order, reduce crime, and to govern an ignorant populace with fear of the unknown. Every religion has committed atrocities in the name of their God at some point in their history, from ceremonial sacrifice, to pedophilia, to rampant graft and corruption. Religious leaders used to burn scientists and philosophers alive because their teachings refuted beliefs.

At the highest levels of any organized religion is widespread corruption and abuse of power, I can cite Ted Haggard, Jimmy Swaggart, Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson, Several Popes, and many, many deviant priests to start with.

Me: My final contention is this: Faith is a beautiful thing, it keeps us alive, civil, and gives us hope in uncertain times. But after listening to idiots like Kirk Cameron and Harold Camping, I realize one thing:

If God really wanted us to believe, he would have mentioned dinosaurs in the Bible. Good day to you (Slamming door shut)

Chris Brown is still a piece of shit.

I gotta say that Chris Brown is a very good actor. His performance at 2010 Pedophile Tribute, I mean Michael Jackson Memorial, was very convincing. Now its coming out that he used eyedrops. God, what a piece of rampant dogshit. Girls are fucking dumb if they think he changed. His next girlfriend is going to have a reserved spot at the shelter. You can bet that Mel Gibson is on his speed dial. That's a great conversation.

CB: Hey Mel, the fucking paparazzi got pictures of me grabbing my girlfriend in public and cussing her out, what should i do, dog?

MG: No sweat man, just fake a Doctors note saying you have Tourette's, or release a press statement saying she was choking on gum and you were trying to give her the Heimlich.

CB: No man, they got footy of me giving dat ho five across the eyes.

MG: A little trickier but Ive been through worse. You ever call a female cop sweet tits? Fucking rookie. Anyway flip the script, say that she swallowed a bunch of pills, ran out of the house, and you were trying to keep her awake till the ambulance arrived. You're a hero now.

CB: Damn Mel, you know a lot about beatin' da fuck outta women.I cant wait to get dat triflin' bitch behind closed doors. Hey man, that could be my new jam, (singing) "Oooooo girl, i wanna getcha behind closed doors, then you hit the floor." Gold record right there baby. Thanks Mel.

7 Reasons Why the Kardashians are Worthless Lumps of Shit.

This was the easiest article I have ever written.

1. Seacrest produced their shitty show which is now on it's fourth season. Fuck you, Ryan. Go back to what you are good at, things like rimming Adam Lambert and pretending to like girls.

2. They are terrible role models for girls. Jesus Christ, like I don't know enough girls that spend their entire lives shopping, cheating on boyfriends, and just being fucking worthless. This show is like a how-to for whores.

3. They flaunt their shitty lifestyle in everyone's faces and love the attention. Kim's Twitter has 3 million idiots on it. 3 million fucking people that cant get enough of her shopping, hanging out in Vegas, and trying to find a good tranny surgeon for her behemoth sister.

4. They wouldn't know what to do with a white cock if it slapped them in the face. I don't care that they only date black guys. I care that they only date IDIOT black guys and athletes. Kim wouldn't date a black professor or a black janitor, but if they own a record label or play ball, shes on that dick like a pack of Ho Hos.

5. ALL OF THEM ARE FAT, JUST ACCEPT IT YOU FUCKING HEIFFERS. STOP TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU AREN'T LAZY, WORTHLESS WHORES THAT DO NOTHING FOR SOCIETY. If I had your money, Id fucking look like Brad Pitt. Oh wait, I already do.

6. The title of their shitty show implies that they actually do something. I thought The Girls Next Door were worthless, but the three little pigs put them to shame. Shop, drink, fight, Vegas, black dicks, more drinking, fight with tranny mom, buy purses, drink, be fat.

7. They aren't exceptionally pretty, they just got really really lucky. Kim is about a San Diego 6.5, Kourtney is a 5, and Khloe, well, poor, dumb Khloe looks like she should be pulling a cart with the other oxen and being beaten with a whip.

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Daddy said I would get nanas for lunch....GAHHH!!!!

They forgot your helmet.